Listening to right now: The Honey Trees - Moon River (The LoFi Sessions)

This song is like a cup of tea.

An F minus in breathing...

Darth Vader is often misunderstood. He went to the dark side because having breathing trouble stinks. It's like, "Haha...you are bad at the only thing all humans should be able to do. Basically, you are bad a being a human." And when life taunts you like that, sometimes you just go to the dark side.

As I am writing this, I am hooked up to my nebulizer, which sounds like a lawn-mower on my bed. Fun. But my nebulizer is cool...it makes me feel powerful and villainous like Bane from "Dark Knight Rises." I actually do not know if that is a good thing. I think I am kind of just relating with antiheroes tonight.

I was diagnosed with asthma at sixteen, and have discovered new triggers every year. My least favorite trigger is laughing, because I laugh a lot, and then I have an asthma attack. My asthma has been worse than ever this year, probably because of my dorm. I don't like to think of myself as a sickly person, but I have definitely seen my asthma hold me back from many things in my life. So I have decided to change that. 

A few years ago, I decided to try "The Maker's Diet," a biblically based diet one of my friends told me cured his asthma. I stayed with it for a few months, and for the first time ever, had very few to absolutely no asthma symptoms in the worst time of year for me. But, it was hard to stay on it, especially with my schedule, etc. And I sometimes just want to eat something quickly. Well, guess what almost all quick food is...JUNK FOOD! And, so I relapsed.

Now, two or so years later, I have decided to begin to do something similar to get rid of my asthma or at least manage the symptoms. I am done with this being who I am. With God's help, I am going to start being all I can be. Because, the dark side never was that much fun anyway.

Please feel free to comment with your thoughts on the Maker's diet or any other advice for dealing with asthma.

open heart surgery with a brillo pad

You know when you are playing in the ocean and a particularly cheeky wave hits you just right, knocking you over, giving you a mouthful of sand, and two scraped knees? Sometimes I have days that feel like that - out of control. And recently, that has been my life. But, as crazy as this may sound, I actually kind of like that feeling at the beach and I am learning to love that feeling in life. Because, when I am not in control, it means that God is. There are a few seconds of gasping for air, and wondering if that jellyfish nearby is going to sting you (yes, I am slightly terrified of jellyfish), but when you stand up and catch your breath, you realized that it was all right in the end.

So my concerned readers are probably wondering why my life has felt out of control, how long this has been going on, and what is my level of pain on a scale of one to ten. Well, let me tell you...this has been quite a semester! I think every semester I have to learn to trust God again, unfortunately. And it is not an easy lesson, no matter how many times I have to learn it. I began the semester with a tight schedule every day. Quiet times were to happen at this-and-such time daily, and they were going to be great! I would enjoy my time of fellowship with my friends and keep God at the center of everything. Let's just say, I am the bad kind of flexible, which leads to procrastination, and then, sadly, to neglecting my quiet time altogether.

My time with the Lord is like a ventilator: I literally cannot live without it. When I stopped having quiet times because I was "too busy" to find time for them, I began to feel like I was suffocating. I started seeing my outlook on life change, and I began to watch myself drifting from where I was in the Lord. You cannot stand still in the Christian journey! You are either going uphill towards holiness, or downhill. And when you start going downhill, you accelerate quickly. So, I watched my spiritual health rapidly deteriorate. 

**Observation: If you find yourself to be regularly discontent and restless, turning to everyday pleasures and receiving no satisfaction, you are probably spiritually sick. Seek help immediately!**

This unhappy transformation played out in 3 arenas: my familial relationships, my friendships, and my daily tasks. I could not go about my daily life with joy because God is the source of joy. He does not allow Christians to be joyful without him. No matter how much surface-level fun I was having, it was all smoke and mirrors or white noise to drown out what was going on inside my heart. I was spraying febreze everywhere to cover up the stench of my heart attitude. Yuck! This could not go on. I felt like I was heading to my own Slough of Despond pretty quickly. 

**Observation #2: Trying to blame everyone but yourself for the issues in your life is another sign of spiritual sickness. You are going downhill quickly!**

Beep, beep, beeeeeee---------p. (No, that's not my heart monitor, that's my alarm clock that I ignored again. No quiet time.)

And that brings us to the last few weeks. Here is a word of hope for me and for you: God does not let his own wander forever in hopelessness. He uses many things to draw his wandering sheep back to him. The Holy Spirit kept tugging at my heart, but, by now, the other pulls on my heart were, far stronger. And then, God reminded me of Hebrews 3:15, "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts." The spirit was talking to me, but it was more of a whisper than anything. But I heard it. And that was just the beginning. Ever since then, the Lord has been using numerous circumstances to draw back to a healthy relationship with himself. And I discovered why I was having trouble with other relationships in my life: if you do not have the upward relationship with God as it should be, your sideways relationships will not be as they should be. If God is not preeminent in your heart, all of your other relationships will fall to the wayside as well.

Getting back into spiritual shape is just as hard, if not harder, than getting into physical shape. I think God has  taken crowbar, pried my heart open, cleaned it out with a brillo pad and mouthwash, and stitched me up with a knitting needle. And there is no anesthesia for this open-heart surgery. But, although I feel raw and vulnerable, I feel so much better. And now comes the rehab, and that won't be fun either, but here goes....  

God shows his love for Christians by constantly bringing them back to him. Even though my heart's desire is always to wander, he takes his rod and his staff and draws me back to the fold. I got knocked over by the wave, but he brings me to my feet and fills my lungs with air. I wrote this today to hopefully encourage those who may be struggling like I have been to listen to the Holy Spirit's voice. If you hear his voice today, do not plug your ears. Do not put repentance off until tomorrow. Tomorrow, his voice may be even fainter. Today is a gift, an opportunity to make positive steps towards repairing your relationship with God...don't waste it.